Voldie vs Oldie
by Deino Dude
Summary: Harry Potter: What REALLY happened in Harry and Voldemorts final battle. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or Dobby would still be with us today!**

**DD: This book takes place when Harry and Voldie are having their battle. And this is what REALLY happened. Credit to my sister, **_**dontblameme33**_**, for co-writing this fic with me, she came up with the first joke, and some of the others too. So in your reviews, mention her, and read her stories.**

Voldemort held his wand at Harry's neck. Had this boy's mother not sacrificed herself, he would be dead by now, and Voldemort's work would be done. He could see the fear in the boy's face. This was Voldemort's privelige, to eradicate all threat to himself. Dumbledore was dead. And now the boy would be dead too. Voldemort raised his wand.

"Goodbye, Harry... Potter... AVADA KE-"

"WAIT!" McGonagall, Harry's unlikely savior briskely walked towards him and Voldemort. With her curt expression, Harry could have sworn she just came out of a lesson, not a monumental battle to decide whether or not the world would be thrown into despair and eternal darkness.

"I challenge you to a battle, Voldie."

"Well then prepare to lose. Ladies first, if you can call yourself that, Minerva."

"Well you can't call yourself a human, you ain't got a nose!" McGonagall began.

"Yow momma's so Muggle, she ain't even heard of you!" She said. "Boom!"

Voldemort looked shocked.

"Oh no you di'int!" He cried, and waggled his finger at her.

"Oh yea she did!" Harry retaliated. "Sorry," he said, as Voldemort stuck his wand in further, and gave him an evil look.

Voldemort stood up, and began.

"Well yow momma's so stupid, she thought being ginger was a disease!"

"Hey! Low blow, Voldie!" Ron shouted, after getting himself out of Dolohov's headlock.

"Well Voldie, yow momma's so loose, she slept with a snake!

Voldemort unintentionally rubbed his (lack of) nose.

"Yow momma's so loose, she slept with a cat!"

"Whadda comeback, m'lord," Lucius Malfoy said.

"Well I take back my previous comment. Yow momma's so loose, she slept with a MUGGLE!"

"Oooooooooooooooooh!" Harry mocked Voldemort.

"Hey!" Hermione yelled. "Are you intent on insulting _everyone_ in the school?"

"Minerva, yow momma's so old, even Dumbledore wouldn't sleep with her!"

"Eh he he he he! That's what you think." Dumbledores voice was coming from the white tomb. McGonagall looked gobsmacked.

"Dumbles, you said I was the only one!" She wailed. Her cheeks the flushed pink when she realised what she had just said.

"Voldie, stop laughing! Yow momma's so fat, she couldn't fit through the doors of the Great Hall!"

"Aha ha ha!" Harry started to laugh.

"Silence boy... CRUCIO!" Voldemort held his wand to Harry and laughed manically. But nothing happened. Voldemort looked down at his wand, and saw that it was now and orange plastic fish.

"Jog on, mate!" Fred and George simultaniously said, and hi-fived each other. "Fake Wands. Work every time! Ow!"

Fred rubbed his head where Voldemort was hitting him with a plastic fish. Voldemort had run to hit them both.

"Ahem. Sorry about that, Minerva!" Voldemort returned. "Anyway, yow momma's so ugly, yow dads Boggart turns into her!"

"Well yow momma's so fat, new students cross the Black Lake on her!"

"Yow momma's so ugly, when she looks a Basilisk in the eyes, it dies!"

"Well true as that may be, at least I have a nose!"

"Will you stop bringing that up! It's getting old, like yow face!"

"Aha ha ha!" Flitwick laughed. Everyone looked at _his_ face.

"You can't talk, Filius!" Snape yelled.

"Aren't you meant to be dead, Severus?" Voldemort questioned.

"Fine, fine, fine," Snape snapped, and layed his head on the ground.

McGonagall continued.

"Yow momma's so ugly, Hagrid mistook her for a new species of Blast-Ended Skrewt!"

Everyone looked at Hagrid. He looked down in shame.

"Sometimes I have problems." He whimpered.

Voldemort seemed to be deep in thought.

"I have it! The ultimate insult!" He shouted triumphantly. "Yow momma's so stupid, I mean _soooo_ stupid... She thought Professor Binns was the garbage man!"

All the Death Eaters whooped and cheered. McGonagall was taken aback. She just couldn't respond to that.

"Well yow momma's so fat... she so-well, uuuummmm... yow momma's so... AVADA KEDAVARA!"

McGonagall pulled out her wand, and a jet of green light erupted from it, and straight towards Voldemort. It hit him, and killed him instantly. The crowd behind McGonagall cheered, and began to hug her.

"WAIT!" She yelled, and everyone froze.

She asked, "Does this mean I win?"

**DD: Hi everybody! Hope you liked it, and hope you review! Over and out.**


End file.
